The Good, The Bad & The Gray
Welcome to The Good The Bad and The Gray Podcast, a compass in life's labyrinth, shining a light on relationships, wellness, and personal growth. Join me as I share insights and interview diverse guests. Together, we'll discuss highs, lows, and the in-between, offering perspectives on health, career, and more. Tune in for candid conversations that peel back life's layers, revealing the good, the bad, and the gray with hues from light to dark.
The Good, The Bad & The Gray
Ch 2: Ep 3| To Serve or Not To Serve ft. Chrissy Phillips
What happens when we stop living for ourselves and begin to truly serve others? This transformative question forms the heart of our conversation with Chrissy, whose journey from people-pleaser to purposeful servant offers profound wisdom for anyone seeking deeper meaning.
"To serve or not to serve, that is the question." Starting with this Shakespearean-inspired prompt, we dive into what service truly means—not as obligation, but as a pathway to purpose. Chrissy vulnerably shares how her eight-year relationship ending became a catalyst for spiritual transformation, teaching her to surrender pride and develop a new identity rooted in service to others. Her story reveals how serving others paradoxically fills our own cups when done with the right heart posture.
We explore the critical difference between people-pleasing and genuine service. While people-pleasers seek validation and acceptance, true servants connect to something higher than themselves, creating space for authentic impact. This distinction helps explain why some grow resentful in their giving while others find increasing joy. Chrissy's journey from seeking acknowledgment to finding purpose illustrates this evolution beautifully.
Perhaps most fascinating is our discussion of "pouring points"—those moments when someone is genuinely ready to receive what you have to offer. Learning to recognize these opportunities requires discernment and patience, qualities developed through consistent service. As Chrissy notes, sometimes the greatest service is simply making someone feel seen and heard, allowing them space to be themselves without forcing change.
The conversation culminates with a powerful vision: relationships where partners compete to serve one another, creating a virtuous cycle of giving. This model of mutual service applies not just to romantic relationships but to all connections in our lives. By dying to ourselves and prioritizing others' needs, we discover a world transformed from gray to vibrant color.
Ready to discover your own service journey? Listen now and join our community on TikTok @goodbadgray where we're continuing this vital conversation about finding purpose through serving others.
Welcome to the good, the bad and the gray podcast, where we shine a light on wellness, personal growth and relationships. Together, we'll discuss highs and lows and the in-betweens, offering different perspectives on health and wellness. Tune in as we peel back the layers of life, revealing the good, the bad and the gray. Welcome back to the good, the bad and the gray podcast. I am your host, dr gray, and I have a special guest in the building um Chrissy P Coach Tina, you want to carry on All the?
Speaker 2:things I go by, so many different titles. I'm Chrissy. I have so many different things that I do, so many different hats that I wear. Where are you from. I'm from Hawaii.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hawaii, yeah Hawaii. Why would you choose Hawaii over Alabama?
Speaker 2:That's a great question, the million dollar question that everybody always asks me. So actually I really didn't want to go to Alabama. I wanted to stay in California or go to California. I had a dream to play soccer in college.
Speaker 1:Athlete.
Speaker 2:Athlete, you know, all-star, Olympian, whatever.
Speaker 1:Whoa, I wish. Okay, were you like? Rate yourself, if you don't mind, like realistically right.
Speaker 2:I think I was a solid, maybe 8.5 whoa, that's pretty high.
Speaker 1:Yeah, who's your 10?
Speaker 2:who's my 10 like professionally? Sure okay, um Sydney LaRue okay, that's my girl. She actually is taking a hiatus from soccer for the time being.
Speaker 1:Mental health, yeah, mental health, a lot of mental health breaks for people.
Speaker 2:It's okay, it's okay. And then all my soccer greats are starting to retire, so it's getting sad in the soccer world. But hey, I'm excited for the new generation that's coming. Yeah, so grew up in Hawaii. I was actually fun fact, I was actually born here in Tuscaloosa.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay, very interesting.
Speaker 2:Born in Tuscaloosa, moved to Hawaii, back to Tuscaloosa, so actually I've lived in so many different places my dad's military, so I claim Hawaii as home because that's where I did a lot of my formative growth. Also, that's where I felt like more at home as opposed to anywhere else I've been. I've lived in Miami, I've lived in Memphis, I lived in Georgia. I guess that will also be my second home, just because that's where my parents actually have a house Georgia.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in Georgia. But other than that, yeah, I've been pretty much all over the world.
Speaker 3:Well, not all over the world, uh well, not all over the world, all over the americas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, my favorite city to go to is new york. I love the food in new york. I love the, the culture in new york. Um, oh, we're, we're feeling some type of way about new york no, no, it's fine, it's fine, keep continuing it's fine.
Speaker 1:Um, new york is fine for sure. Uh, okay, so welcome to the podcast. Thank you before we get a little bit more into it. So this new chapter of the podcast. So this is the good, the bad, the great podcast, um, and we're doing something for chapter two. This is our chapter two, and what we're doing now is we're asking each and every guest two questions what are you saying hello to and what are you saying goodbye to?
Speaker 2:what am I saying hello to? Um? I think I'm saying hello to a lot of new adventures. Um 2025? Well, 2024, 2025, um has just been a lot of new things. Um, I kind of deemed 2025 to be my year to say yes to a lot of different things, like things that I didn't think I would ever do, or say yes to doors that are opening that I never thought would open. I'm saying yes to people that I never thought I would be friends with, or anything, or different endeavors I'm saying yes to, like I'm getting ready to start another master's in Christian clinical psychology or mental health counseling.
Speaker 2:I've said yes to training a group of college girls in the gym.
Speaker 1:Handful.
Speaker 2:Goodness, gracious, talk about learning patience right there. I've said yes to being a small group women's coordinator at church, so just a lot of things that I'm saying yes to, and I think that's what I'm saying hello to a lot. It's just new adventures and different endeavors. Something that I'm saying goodbye to is the last eight years of my life.
Speaker 1:Wow, eight years is a long time. It is a long time. You're picking up that eight years and just throwing it away. We're just throwing it away, we're erasing it. There's no way you should. Yo Okay, unpack that.
Speaker 2:You have to, okay yeah, so I was in a relationship for the last eight-ish years. Yeah, we were engaged and we were getting ready to get married and we ended up breaking up Holy smokes. So the last eight years I'm just like you know what? We got a new house, we're starting a new job, or not necessarily a new job, but entering a new like career path.
Speaker 2:So now I'm just ready to say yes or say goodbye to the last eight years of my life to just really start fresh, letting go of all the baggage, all the pain, all the hurt. We're just saying goodbye.
Speaker 1:What did you learn from that, chrissy? Those in those eight years, that person you were.
Speaker 2:I learned a lot, um, so I always tell people when I talk about my past relationship and whatnot, I was not the person that I should have been in that relationship, um, also, that person wasn't the person that they should have been. Um. I love who I've become because of that relationship, because of that breakup, mainly because I've experienced so many different things in life learned to become as a woman, as a mentor, as a coach, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, whatever. I've learned a lot of patience.
Speaker 1:I've also learned to surrender pride. Um, literally for a woman to say that.
Speaker 2:All right. So just learning a lot about who I am and who I want to be going forward is what I learned. A lot, it was. One of my biggest things is learning who God is. So I have always been a Christian. I've always been someone that has gone to church, read my Bible, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't until, literally, I was sitting in California in my hotel room at a recruiting event, um, and I opened up my Bible and literally in James I think it was, and it was talking about pride, and I said, ooh, this is going to be good. Um, on my floor, bawling my eyes out, I was just like whew. Toes are being stepped on, heart is being crushed. We're getting ready to experience a whole new, like different, type of breakthrough.
Speaker 2:Um and honestly like through. From that day forward it's just been a different world, Like I, have been truly transformed, Um, like people that I used to be friends with I'm not friends with because I just couldn't bring them into this new season, Things that I didn't see myself. I now see. I have like a new identity and it's just been a beautiful thing. It's been a beautiful transformation. I would honestly go back and do it all over again Like granted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was a lot of pain. I would honestly go back and do it all over again.
Speaker 1:That's amazing, like just to hear your journey in that like short period of time. You explain it like that is huge, like, and then your homeowner. So congratulations on that.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I love my house Wow.
Speaker 1:So today, and the topic of today is, in my Shakespearean voice, to be, no, not to be, but to be is not. You guys know Shakespeare. I'm assuming everybody knows Shakespeare. To serve or not to serve, that is the question. I couldn't get it out the first time. I've been thinking about it all freaking week. So, um man, when I when I hear that and when I say it to me, it's like asking myself, like it's like asking myself what is my purpose? What am I here for? How can I make society better? How can I do something different each individual day? And I think a lot of times service to many people means different things.
Speaker 1:So this podcast, this episode, I want to kind of go dive deep into service, because it sounds like, from what you just said, you're heavy in service. Now. Oh yeah, and I think you know there are some questions. The basic question of what is service? We're going to get into that. But I want to get into, like, different forms of service, whether that's in the church or not in the church, or I mean family service, like what does that look like? And things of that nature. So I'm going to let A Renee start off with our first question in this topic.
Speaker 3:Let's go Okay. Well, obviously it's going to be. What does serving mean to you? But I want to add a word in the middle of that.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:What does serving well mean to you?
Speaker 1:Or you can answer them both Wait is that like a which is first serving or serving well?
Speaker 3:do the serving first and then serving well.
Speaker 2:I mean honestly. I think in order to be an effective server or servant, you do have to do it well. I feel like if it's not done well, it's not serving yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:So to answer your question, I think what does it mean? To be an effective server or to serve well is to just basically humbly lay your needs down to pick up the needs of others, or to humbly lay down your wants to pick up the wants of others. Whatever it might be, you just have to do it with humility first, because if you don't, then pride seeps in. Or you're going to be expecting something in return, or you're just going to be looking for something and it's not going to be done out of the goodness of your heart.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good To serve.
Speaker 3:I think similar to what you're saying my phrase would be to die to oneself.
Speaker 1:Yeah Right, that's when you're serving someone else, like you're literally, you know, looking externally or picking up on what that person that you're serving or what that higher power that you're serving needs, wants or is desiring in those moments needs, wants or is desiring in those moments, and I think dying to oneself is death of ego, yeah, death of your pride, like every all of that, because nothing that is in terms of like it's dealing with you matters. I think there's a lot of power in service. Oh, yeah, a lot of power, and people underestimate that one, and I can do a quick example before we get to the next question is if you really think about it. Serving is your way of learning someone's strength and weaknesses.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, for example, think about a king who's his closest person, not his queen, yeah, his servants, yeah, they know his strengths and his weaknesses, his secrets, everything and the things that he may not tell his queen Bryce Berks is a queen as well. Who's closer to her? Her servants. They're in the room with her when she's doing all getting dressed. She's sad, happy. They know what's going on. I think when you're at that point of service and you're serving someone or something, you learn the strengths and weaknesses of that person or that thing. And I think it's super important because a lot of people think of you know service as in following, right, like, oh, I'm a follower of this person, I'm a follower of this, and I think the difference between service and following or a follower is this is my opinion I think following is like mimicking, copying without thought right.
Speaker 1:Serving takes actual discipline right. You have to be present, you have to observe, like a follower is not going to tell me what I'm, what I'm weak at or what I'm missing. A servant, though whoa, because they know, they've been there, they observed it. So I think it's super important to understand the difference between a follower and a servant. Yeah, so that's my take on what service is, and I think serving well so I can be short-winded because I think I'm getting long-winded Serving well is being able to pick up on those strengths and weaknesses. That's a piggyback from my definition. And if you're able to serve well, you know in terms of a person or you know a mission organization, you will know exactly what that organization is missing because you're serving it, you're dying to yourself and you putting whatever you're serving first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's almost like it's a it's. It's another form of intimacy. Yes, it is it is literally another form of intimacy.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Honestly, I think it's the most important form of intimacy, so like relationships, so that's what you're alluding to. So I think that when you're in a relationship, you and your significant other should serve one another. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I saw something the other day and it was a podcast I was listening to. I can't remember what it was or who it was. I think it was like Lecrae or Chand Chandler, stephen.
Speaker 3:Chandler or someone like that.
Speaker 2:I was gonna send it to you um, but basically they said um couples or people in relationships should compete in serving each other 100 and I was like oh man it. Can you imagine if people in relationships literally like competed in serving each other, like like trying to one up each other? That's the only type of one up battle. I would literally insert myself into.
Speaker 1:I agree. I think that that would be a make a relationship. It's amazing, right? Why don't you think people serve one another? This is my question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a great question. I think it's because some people are just selfish.
Speaker 1:Selfish.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they don't really want to take that initiative to pick up the needs of someone else, because they want to be served, they don't want to die to themselves, they don't want to put man.
Speaker 1:Now I think in terms of that, like you talked about, service is like a form of intimacy, right? I think a lot of people aren't taught or they haven't observed that form of intimacy or service, so they don't know. A lot of times people enter in which I think, ideally you enter in that form of service after you found, you know God, after you surrendered, because you start to connect with something right. And I even think for men, most importantly for a man, and I think this is why this is probably the biggest disconnect and men don't understand why women want a man that's in church or that is serving God, because that's the highest example of their love and intimacy to someone. And a woman sees that, oh, she sees that it changes, like her perception of that man, right, that's why you see a lot of women in the church and we can get to that topic. That's a whole different topic. I actually want to dive in deep into that. But our next question, ariana, unless you had a comment, no, I don't not yet.
Speaker 3:Um, this is two-part question. This is a two-part question, so if I need to repose it, I will. But how do you know if you're called to serve? And I love this question.
Speaker 1:I've been waiting yes, I need to know what this is how do you keep yourself full?
Speaker 2:I'll take the second, you take the first I mean, you can do it like that okay okay, um whichever way you want to way, you want to answer, actually Okay read the first part again. How do you know if you're called to serve? How do you know if you're called to serve? I think it really just deals with your heart posture. Not everybody's called to service.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:And I think it really just depends on what is in your heart.
Speaker 1:Can I stop you for a second Before you go? What do you mean? Call to service, like so? We need to understand that call to service is like that's way specific. That's divine. That's like a little bit more than just serving every single day, right? So can you unpack that if you feel comfortable with talking about what it's like? Call to service mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So in a spiritual side, like a religious side, um, I think what called service is is just basically, either you serving in a church, um, either you becoming a pastor, um, either you joining like a I know at my church we call it the dream team Uh, so this is an opportunity for you to just be a volunteer in the church. So whether, like for me, I serve on the prayer team, so I get to be the person that serves at the altar when people are coming up at the end of the service for prayer, or we're, like in the background praying for everybody in the church as they're watching the service. I think being called to service it really depends on your personality, it depends on your heart, it depends on what brings you joy, Because if you are not doing something that brings you joy, it's probably not going to be an effective serve for you, like for me personally I know I'm not one to serve kids- oh, man Like anyone under the age of five years old.
Speaker 1:You're picking what to serve Whoa.
Speaker 2:I know that is not my calling. Yo, she's picking service. It is not my calling. The Lord did not call me to that service, so I know that I will not be an effective person to serve in that area. I mean I could.
Speaker 1:Patience huh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, patience. Yikes person to serve in that area, I mean I could Patience, huh, yeah, patience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm still learning. I'm still learning.
Speaker 2:So I know that if if I was to serve in kids ministry, um, it won't be as effective. I won't be an effective servant because I'm just going to be like oh these kids, oh my gosh Vomit, oh my gosh Snotty nose.
Speaker 1:Ooh, can't do it yeah.
Speaker 2:So it really just depends on those, those things, your personality, um, your heart for the, the specific, the specific area that you're going to serve in Um, and then also, does it bring you joy? Does it bring you peace? Does it bring you happiness, and so on.
Speaker 1:Nice. So a second part of that question was how?
Speaker 3:How do you keep yourself full while you're still pouring out? How?
Speaker 1:do you keep yourself full? This is a very complex question. So how do you keep yourself full? Now I'm going to just talk about my personal journey and what I observe for me that you know I've realized that has aided me in being able to stay full and serving right. I think, first and foremost we already said this you have to die to yourself, die to oneself. That's service in general. Um, so, like last year, what I realized last year when I went on my journey of service, of serving more, um, it became more of being present. So, basically, I just completely just started being more present in the moment and I started to realize service. If you're not used to it, it it feels like a job you know kind of similar to you serving kids, right and um.
Speaker 1:So I became more present in the moment and I was serving, but I started to realize like a lot of it was like me forcing it. So what I'm getting at is, if you're serving and you're trying to stay in the abundant, you need to fill the service versus force it. Now here's the thing You're not always going to be serving this great thing that you think, oh, I'm going to be serving this good thing or whatever you like. Some serving moments would be something that you do not like for a short period of time, or even for an extended period of time, but there's a lesson and a blessing in there in terms of that serving moment For me, though.
Speaker 1:Last year, I went through this journey of serving, and it was just being present and just being like completely open to people and compassionate, and I started to realize in the beginning I would get drained Like, oh man, like I'm just so open to so many people and it's because my capacity, I didn't have the capacity to serve.
Speaker 1:So, just like a muscle, just like you're in a gym, right, if you don't have a capacity for something you're not going to have a big endurance, for you're not gonna have a high tolerance for it. So what I did is, each and every single day, I worked at serving, like I work at being present. I worked at being present, I worked at, you know, listening to people serving. You know, present in the moment for the opportunity to present itself. Right, because there are so many serving moments in every opportunity, and I can even break it down to an example, and I'm trying to be a little bit short winded here. So, right, so there is. So for me, it was about strengthening my capacity, so making sure that I can handle, you know, the serving that I'm needing. So once you strengthen and increase your capacity to serve, then you figure out what fills you. Yeah, right, because you have to have something pouring in if you're pouring out a lot.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think for me, the first thing is first, and I think everyone talks about this, but you have to find out like you have to start loving you oh my gosh, yes and when I mean loving you, like intimately, what speaks to my heart. How can I tap into that part of me that you know makes me feel joy? So that's the next part capacity and joy, right yeah you have to figure out how to increase your joy.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So, just like we have, we're in the gym, working out, we have all these thoughts and whatever going through our head. We're increasing our capacity for anger. Most people go in the gym and they're angry or sad or upset about something and they're increasing their capacity for it, but they don't realize it, right? So I started to work on increasing my capacity to serve, but also increasing my capacity of feeling joy. Yeah, like actually feeling it. Yeah, and I was just loving myself and I started to realize, as I increased my capacity for joy, increased my capacity to serve and also increased my feeling of joy, I was able to kind of pour into myself slightly. Right, because I'm only one person. We're here to connect, right?
Speaker 1:I can do so much by myself, and then from there I started finding other people that were easily uh, that could pour without needing something in return.
Speaker 1:That's super important that's super important you have to have those um individuals in your life that are able to kind of give without needing something in return, that helps fill your cup. Now, you shouldn't rely on it. It shouldn't be your source, right, you're, you're. You're like people that are pouring into you should never be your source. So once I identify individuals that were able to pour into me without you know being a source or being um, without me needing something returned, then I identify ways to refill my cup. Right, and you have to do that. Whether that's being alone, yeah, but mostly, I think, through connection. You can figure out how to stay in the abundant flow once you're blessed with that, because it's a blessing when you're able to kind of pour as much as you can. You want to say something on that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think for me, like I had a hard time learning when, when I started pouring into a lot of people Um so, with my college girls I have like 17 or so of them that I constantly just speak life over and pour, uh, pour myself into them or just pray over them and I, like at first, I started feeling so, so, so drained. I was just like I don't know if I could do this. I don't know if I could, if I could just be effective in their lives. And it wasn't until I was talking to my mentor and she was telling me you need to have your, your rock, you need to have a rock.
Speaker 1:Anchor rock.
Speaker 2:Anchor rock, something to hold you down, someone that you can pick up the phone and call and say hey, I'm struggling with this.
Speaker 2:I need you to speak some life over me yeah or even just someone to sit in silence with you, because that that's another way for someone to pour back into you. It's just spending some intentional time, just what. Like I'm a person who I always tell my my friends, I'm like if we can't sit on the couch together in silence, we probably don't need to be friends, because I sometimes I just need the way that I get filled up is just sitting on the couch with the people that make me happy, the people that I'm comfortable with, and we could just watch TV or scroll on our phones and not say a single word to each other, so just have it.
Speaker 2:It is super important to have people that you can lean on, that you can depend on, but you also can't weigh yourself down on those people, because they also need people that can pour into them. But also they're probably not going to be there 24-7 or be readily available for you 24-7. So that's community is such a big thing and I literally. 2024 was my.
Speaker 2:It started off as my year of isolation um everybody, for a lot of people it literally started off as a year of isolation for me and honestly I this is. This led to my awakening of where I was in my life. I was so unhappy being here in Tuscaloosa. I hated this place.
Speaker 2:I was like I'm ready to go. I don't have anybody here, I'm alone. I don't like it. So it wasn't until I had a health scare at the beginning of 2024, where I thought I had breast cancer. I found a tumor and I was just like I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. So it was like January timeframe 21 days of prayer was going on, and this is when I literally found my person. My community started building it up and I was just vulnerable with them, telling them what was going on in my life. And that's when a group of people just cindered around me and started pouring into me and I realized I was like wow, community, is that important? Like you need somebody that you could literally just lean on. Like when you can't carry the weight yourself, somebody else can carry it with you yeah um.
Speaker 2:So yeah, community's big, especially in your service, because you do need somebody to pour into you so that you can continue to be effective and important to other people.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's huge, that's good. Man, like you said, you had a health scare and that's wow. I personally, like you know, I can relate to that year of isolation because I went through something similar and it, you know, I found some of the most important people in my life today last year yeah, and some of the most.
Speaker 1:There's so many people I thought they were super important to me at that point, like before that, prior to that year, I lost them in that year, yeah, or, and it was just like. It was so, so like confusing, because it was like I thought this person you were supposed to be my bro, yeah, you're my bro, like you know, whatever Right. But I started to realize and this is something you know I can attest to like when you surrender, you typically start to lose the people that are no longer aligned with this next chapter of your life, and immediately.
Speaker 1:I don't know some what happened was happening to me last year. Immediately, a person that was what I needed became, you know, um present yeah. I'm like whoa, like huh, but what, what kind of made it more supernatural, is like it was happening back to back as a person started to fade out, a person started to fade in and they were the version that oh wow, I needed this. In the moment, it was like almost like God was like. I got you, bro. Like you know, this is what's been holding us back.
Speaker 1:Don't follow him, still love him unconditionally, but here's what is going to get you to that next level, and I thought it was so. So you know, beautiful, because I was like man, like this is what I needed, yeah, like, but what did I, what did I do to deserve all of this? You know how, when you're so, you're in a moment, you're, you're doubtful right because everything is so good right, or things, great things happening, waiting for the fall. You're like hold on, bro, this is not real. Yo, this is too.
Speaker 2:Right, you're just so suspicious.
Speaker 1:It's a crazy. I had like two clients of mine that I used to train. I used to be a personal trainer. They literally came back in my life last year and it was so interesting because they came at a time where they were providing something, that I needed to get something done in terms of the community, and I was like wait, what Like?
Speaker 1:I don't know where they both. Hey, we're, we're coming back. Oh, you need this, we got you. I'm like what Like? And anyways, things are like that were happening. So, but anyways, things like that were happening, so many things were happening that I just couldn't explain and I was like there's no such thing as coincidence.
Speaker 1:Like last year, 100% proved to me undoubtedly that there's no such thing as a coincidence, like God is real and I think that a lot of individuals that do not believe they just haven't experienced those moments because they haven't been present and they haven't experienced those moments because they haven't been present and they haven't served and I think once you get that serving part there and you're surrendering, you're dying to self, to someone else you become so. Your eye starts to open to so many different things, oh my, the world becomes so much better.
Speaker 2:You're like whoa it's no longer gray.
Speaker 1:There's color in the world and I think you kind of related to that feeling. Um, as you said, like you know, tuscaloosa is the worst thing. And then you started like to serve and meet people. You're like whoa, it's like I think that's a part of service. Um, I'll try to slow it down there because I know erin a has some questions for us. What's the next question, yo?
Speaker 3:um? How can you differentiate between passion versus pressure when you're serving?
Speaker 2:that's good, or do?
Speaker 3:they coexist I.
Speaker 2:I think they can coexist to an extent, but it's like a very, very, very small window that they do coexist. I think it's more of it's passion, but I think it's more of purpose. What is your purpose? Because you can, you can serve, but you know you have to have a purpose for your serve.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like the last two years of my life, has just been me realizing what my purpose is, what is my calling, and that is why I am so effective in my serving and so effective in what I do. Because of my purpose and where my calling is and what I'm supposed to be doing, what I'm called to do, what I'm assigned to do, and so on and where my calling is and what I'm supposed to be doing, what I'm called to do, what I'm assigned to do, and so on.
Speaker 2:I think. As far as pressure, I think pressure is more of you serving in an area where you're working in a sense. Like, yeah, I love my job, but sometimes it feels like pressure that.
Speaker 2:I have to do that. I have to meet with these students from all over the world and I have to sell the university to them, um, and get them to come to the university, um. So I think, in a sense of, like, I know my purpose is not to be a recruiter forever, love it, love it so much, but I know it's not my purpose. My purpose is is something greater. It's something, something more to bring me joy. So, instead of like more of it being passion, I think it's more of like your purpose in life, what? What are you called to do? What are you supposed to be assigned to your area or your people, whatever it might be? And then pressure, like I said, it's just more of like you doing something because you have to do it yeah, not because you want to do it or you need to do it or whatever.
Speaker 1:It's interesting you say that, because I kind of see it like this is you know, you have, so you have people that are people pleasers and you you have people that are serving for a purpose.
Speaker 2:I think it's important to have.
Speaker 1:This is why it's so important to connect to a higher purpose or connect to something higher than yourself. Because if you don't, you'll be stuck trying to please people, and that turns into pressure, that's the pressure.
Speaker 1:Right. So I think in today's society we have more people pleasers than actual people servers. One of my clients were talking about church, right, like why did she? She was like I don't want to go to church because people, you know, they look at me certain ways, et cetera. And I asked her it's like so what do you think that comes from? And she said I don't know. I just don't want people to think blah, blah, blah. I said so are you there to please them?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Or are, please them right, or are you there to serve something?
Speaker 2:else right yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think it's important to know the difference of people pleasing, people serving, or serving something higher than oneself. And, like I say, I think today people are just more people pleasers right, especially when they're on social media.
Speaker 2:I used to be a people pleaser. I used to be someone I know. I used to be someone who I wanted everybody around me to be happy to be, joyful. I wanted them to have whatever that they needed Draining.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very draining, very draining, and it wasn't until like I got to my wit's end and I was just like, whew, I can't, I can't literally lay myself down for everybody, I can't continue to keep giving off my shirt, off my back for people, because you know, it got to that point where it was more of like not wanting. It was more of not serving, um, just because I wanted to. It was more of serving because I wanted some validation or acceptance or for them to to acknowledge me or whatever it might be. Um, and literally I think it also comes to like um, just my background in a sense, uh, growing up as a middle child oh man, you're the middle child.
Speaker 2:I'm a middle child. Uh, growing up as a middle child, sometimes you, you don't necessarily get the acknowledgement um that that you want or that you crave or need or whatever.
Speaker 2:And then, like, on top of me being a middle child, I have an older brother that has cerebral palsy and then I have a little sister that I needed caring for. So I was the person that had to grow up super fast, had to serve at such a young age, and so with that it came to more of like okay, I have to do this for people, I have to do this for people, I have to do this for that, that person, I have to be there for that person, I have to be the, the big sister for everybody around me.
Speaker 2:Um and it. It just led to a lot of just like losing myself as a person um it led to me being drained, it led to me not having peace in the world in a sense and just overall, just losing that light. I literally fell into the gray world and lost the color.
Speaker 1:Wow. The gray world. The gray world. Is that a pun there? Like the gray is good. What are we talking about here? I need you to call this something else. We need to call this the black world. What would you? What advice would you give someone in terms of choosing where to serve? Yeah, like maybe a church or something like that. What would you advise you would give someone that wants to go to church?
Speaker 2:but, doesn't know where to start or is afraid to go because of certain reasons, yeah, or people yeah, I always say well, in our church that I go to, I go to church of the highlands. Um, we always say give it three tries. Um, the first try, you're just going in to experience, see what it's about, see what's there, see who's there. The second time you're probably like oh, okay, you know, I don't know if I like it, I don't know if I don't not like it, and so it's just another opportunity for you to kind of just seize things that you didn't see the first time. The third time is that pretty much that time where you're like okay, I know I like this church, I know that I can kind of see myself there. The message is feeding me or whatever might be, or it could be that you know what this place is not for me. I need to move somewhere else, and that's when you start that process over again. Of that, those three visits per se.
Speaker 2:But I think for someone that hasn't or does or wants to kind of get involved in a church to serve and any of that sort, I think it comes to you feeling comfortable. So you know, when you walk into a building, you're going to know. You're going to know by the conversations that you have with people, by the environment that there is, by even just watching the people interact with other people in the church or even in the services. I know that's what led me to my churches, because I saw that people had so much joy and so much and they just felt like they had so much peace. So I was just like, oh, this is where I need to be, because I have been to churches where you walk in and everyone's like, oh my gosh, I need the pastor to hurry up, I need, I need this, this AC to be turned on or whatever it might be.
Speaker 2:Everyone's just picking something apart and you're just like, okay, where's where's the peace, where's the joy at Um? So, literally when I walked into Highlands for the first time, I was just like, wow, this just feels like community to me, um, and it was something that I need, that I needed somewhat. It was also a place where I felt like I was going to be fed and encouraged to do something more. Um, because, you know, go in a church. You go to the church to get the message, but you also go to grow, and if you're not growing in your church, that's probably not going to be a place that you need to stay at.
Speaker 2:Um, you, you should be able to spend a year of your life going, just attending. You know, start looking and filling it out, start getting into the membership things or whatever small groups, whatever it might be, and then, after the first year, that's when you should start taking that extra step of serving, of going into more leadership positions of you know, branching out to experience something new, getting into a small group, leading a small group, whatever it might be. You just can't stay in that space of complacency for too long because you're not going to get what you need to get so that you can be an impact for the people around you, per se yeah.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, okay, so that's good. You got a question for us. Hey, renee, don't do that. Hey, renee, don't do that.
Speaker 3:What's the difference between being a leader and being a servant, or is that the same? Go ahead, yeah, between being a leader and being a server.
Speaker 2:A servant, or is that the same? So, yeah, um, I don't think there really much is a different. I think you should be a servant leader yeah, um, and a servant leader is someone that is going to serve the people that they're leading. Yeah, um, because you have to lead by example. You just can't be like, oh, let me just bark a few orders here and this is what you're going to do. Like, your people that you're leading have to see you actually putting yourself down for their needs or for others needs. So, when it comes down to being a leader versus being a server, I don't think it's a difference. I think it's the same thing. You have to be a servant leader in order to be a very effective leader. You have to be a servant leader in order to be a very effective leader. You can't just say you know, hey, little Timmy, I need you to go get all the packets and dish it out there if you're not doing it either.
Speaker 2:There's been so many times where I've worked with leaders who just barked orders and it just it really didn't make for a productive and effective environment for the people that were on the team. Everybody just felt like they were drained. It didn't have that family feel. It didn't have that community feel per se. But then I've been with leaders who who actually put in the action and put in the work for the people that they are working with and the people that they are serving per se, and so that's where I get a lot of my leadership qualities, for because I want to be someone that is going to serve the people that I have working for me or the people that I'm leading or so on, so that I can be an example for them, so that they can go out there and become servant leaders, so then they can impact the people that they're going to one day lead or one day serve, and then it's just like a.
Speaker 2:it's like a a general, yeah, domino effect per se.
Speaker 3:Okay, nice, I like that Cause I I see firsthand. You help people work out, but you don't just say you need to push the sled Like you push the sled.
Speaker 1:Like you push the sled first. Yes, that's good. She's been working, so I see that you could be a great person in training, if you ever decide, because I think there's a lot of We'll see you know we've been toying with it. What else we got for the next question. What's?
Speaker 3:one mistake you've made while serving, and what did you learn from it?
Speaker 1:I'll take this one because you know you've been one mistake I made while serving. Oh man, I made a lot of mistakes. Um, I think the first mistake I made is the biggest mistake is me thinking that I have to be happy in every serving moment. Oh, this is just gotta be the greatest thing ever. Like just because I'm serving, or the moment that I'm serving in is not always going to be great.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I have to. I had to understand I made that mistake and I had to kind of really sit back and realize like, okay and I, every serving moment is going to be the great moment. You know you want to take it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think for me, like some of the mistakes that I've made in serving, is just fear. So letting fear keep me from from serving people? Um, for example, I'm getting ready to go on a mission trip to Serbia in a couple of weeks and for the longest time I was like I'm not going to go on this trip because I've one. I've never been out of the country, uh. Two, I don't know what to expect. Um, three, I don't know if I want to do a mission trip.
Speaker 2:But then I, you have your community that continues to push you and encourage you and speak life over you, and I was just like you know what? This is the year of saying yes. So we're going to say yes and still, to this day, I don't know what to expect. I don't know what we're going to be doing. But I know that I'm not going to let the fear keep me from walking into that and experiencing something new, because you know, it could be that I am called there to be a light in someone's life specifically. Or I'm called there to even just pick up a soccer ball and play with a student and you just never know don't underestimate your serving right.
Speaker 2:So I think that's one of my mistakes when it comes down to serving is just letting fear keep me from serving in a specific area.
Speaker 3:I think that you can serve with fear, but then I think that it won't be yeah, it's not gonna be effective. You won't serve't be. Yeah, it won't be good, it's not gonna be good, you won't serve properly, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, you'll be doing it for something other than that higher calling, or that it'll be turning to pleasing. It'll turn into people pleasing.
Speaker 3:At that point, you won't be serving correctly at that point no, and it could possibly transpire to something much worse with whoever and whatever you're serving yeah, you could.
Speaker 2:You could break someone or something all right.
Speaker 3:What advice would you give to someone who wants to serve but doesn't know where to start?
Speaker 1:oh, I'll. So I'll start here by saying um, most importantly, I always say this to people that are searching for I think this is this question can can be layered? So if you're searching for your purpose, you're searching for what you need to do in your career, you're searching for something. Serve a little bit. Yeah, it doesn't have to be a lot.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It could be something small and you can just be committed to that Something at a small amount of time, for a week or two. Whatever, serve a little bit and whatever speaks to your heart, I think you'll know. Essentially, you know what that is you want is your purpose and what that is you want to serve. So but to answer your question, I think if you want to start serving, just find what speaks to you First, figure out what you're. If you're not passionate about anything, yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1:right, serve a little bit, just serve anyways like go somewhere and do something, and I guarantee you, either you're gonna, either something's gonna speak through you, speak to you through people, or speak to you through some action. Right, and you feel like wow I, I like that yeah I want to do more of that.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then you find out a little bit what you prefer to serve and what you will want to focus on in serving in those moments. But a lot of times it comes to you not in your timing, it doesn't come to you like. Oh, let me write down what I'm going to do. A lot of times, the greatest moments of you serving is a moment that you don't expect.
Speaker 2:Exactly. You just have to be completely present to it. You gotta be open. Yeah, what are your thoughts? I think it's look at your everyday life, because every day you're serving it might be something small, it might be something big. You just look at your everyday life. What comes natural to you? I know for me, naturally I like to just speak positivity over people's life. I know for me, naturally I like to just speak positivity over people's life. I like to encourage people. So that led to me serving freedom groups or, you know, small groups, or speaking life over my college girls in the gym at four o'clock in the morning. So it just really is. Look at what you are doing in your daily, everyday life, whether it's at work, whether it's in your families, whether it's in your friendships, and see what you do.
Speaker 2:Well, See what brings you happiness, what brings you joy, what brings you peace, whatever it may be. And then also, like you said, just starting somewhere whether it's going to your local humane society and petting a couple of dogs for a few hours, or whether it's just carrying the grocery bags for somebody at a grocery store, whatever it might be I think you should just needs to start like, just do it as as Nike says just do it, okay.
Speaker 3:What's the hardest part about serving?
Speaker 2:I think the hardest part about serving is just continuing to have a fire for it. Um, you know, you, that fire can be ignited in so many ways, but that fire can also be extinguished in so many ways. So I think that's the hardest part about serving is just continuing to have that passion and that fire for it and that encouragement to continue to do it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:What's the hardest part about serving?
Speaker 1:the hardest part about serving to me, I would say, is oh, serving people that you don't like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was gonna say that, oh my gosh, so I had to do that I had to serve someone that well I had.
Speaker 1:I had to serve in a moment where someone that I didn't care for benefited. Yeah, and, and I think I think at time, well, most of the time in service when I say you died to oneself, if you want to see it this way of your competitor, you're taking a loss and somebody is taking a W, somebody's winning.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:However, you can't see it as a loss to like your, you know, your currency, your pride and all that type of stuff. You have to see it as okay. This is a moment where it's not about me, right, and it's more about this person, right. And if they're taking advantage of it yeah, to the extent to where you feel that way down the road, I guarantee your service in that moment will be a lesson for them. They, I guarantee your service in that moment will be a lesson for them. They'll look back on it and be like man, like dang, this guy, just this girl, just like, did this and they didn't even ask for anything in return, wow. But I think a lot of times, though, like, we do have those moments where we serve people that we don't really, that are benefiting from what we are doing, that we don't really care for.
Speaker 3:So yeah.
Speaker 2:That takes a lot of maturity.
Speaker 1:that takes a lot of maturity, that takes a lot of man. It lays down that pride or even though, and even most of the time, when you're serving something or someone, or someone in the moment, and then you guys fall out and you're like you know. I think here's the thing sometimes you have to continue to serve, not give them what you want, give them what they want, but you have to continue to serve until that time of your service is called to stop. Like you can't, like you know, lose your character because they're, because it it takes a lot of you. I'm gonna be honest, like I was in a relationship at one point and this is a while back and I was talking to this girl and I felt like in the moment where we were in, she had a lot going on and I needed to shift to serve.
Speaker 1:And this is probably was my first, I can say my first opportunity and interest into serving, and what I mean by that is dying to myself and not wanting to receive anything from her.
Speaker 1:Like I literally fell to that Like OK, cool, what do you need? Let's make sure you're good. And obviously it was a one-sided service and I started to realize, as I was serving her, she was benefiting, obviously, but it made, when we fell out, it made me resent her in a bit Like it made me feel a certain type of way because I'm doing all these things in service because I see that you need it and you know we, we fall out.
Speaker 1:It's like wow, like you know, like I did all that for what you know. So I think you know, in times that could be a relationship for sure. Oh yeah, in serving a relationship and like as we about alluded to in the beginning, you know, I think, if it's one party serving man, it can. It can be very, it can be lonely, but it can also can hurt a lot.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because that person is receiving all that service, right Yo.
Speaker 2:But also at the same time, I think it comes with seasons, Like I think sometimes you will have some seasons and relationships where you have to put in a lot more service than the other person oh, yeah, absolutely um, but it's, it's. It's when you're serving constantly and we're out of that season where that person needs that like what are you doing, bro? And they're not doing anything and you're like are you gonna rub my feet right?
Speaker 1:literally, it's like I have a hard day too yeah, and I think that's why it's so important, and I uh, for people to serve, especially relationships. So let's jump into that, uh, just a little bit. Let's unpack the relationship serving part. So what do you think um would make a successful serving relationship, or makes a successful relationship in terms of two-party serving Like? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:I think it's not necessarily equally carrying the load, but there has to be like a good balance of the load being transformed. What is it? The woods with the words today? They're not existing. But the load being balanced between two people, yeah it is literally the light low balancing yes, yes, I think that that is where it comes to.
Speaker 2:Um, the service in relationships is that the load has to be equally balanced, because if the load is on one side more so than the other side, then someone's gonna get drained, someone's gonna get tired and someone's gonna not be happy, yeah, um, and then vice versa, and you, you can't have that you got.
Speaker 1:It has to be a good balance between the two yeah, I think and this is another point um I want to talk about is pouring points. That's like the topic of this year.
Speaker 2:Yeah, obviously.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hashtag pouring points. What is a pouring point? So I think, well, a pouring point is a moment where someone is ready to receive what you're ready to give. I think a lot of times we are a lot of people that have great advice or all of this knowledge. They're just pouring all the time, or that they want to help everybody. Hey, here you go, I got you. It's just pouring like crazy, crazy. You know, that's the worst thing to do when you don't have your reservoir develop, your capacity built up, because you can just be all over the place.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, in terms of pouring points, I think in service is super important to understand your pouring points, because the person you're serving may not need and this is why I say it's important to learn strength and weaknesses may not need what you're trying to give them in a moment now and I've always been talked about my mom is like if you're, if what you have is is of nutrients if it is of is of fruit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it won't decay. You can just put it on the table and when they're ready to receive it they'll come back for it if you give it to them in a certain moment. I think pouring points are being patient enough with the person to know when they're there at that point to where they're ready to receive. That's why it's important to know when your person, your person's strength and weakness because you know when they're vulnerable and they're like, okay, I need this right now.
Speaker 2:You got to have that discernment.
Speaker 1:Right and not a lot of people are like taking in you know that into um to site Cause I think I had a couple of friends there. They would get mad at other people because they wouldn't listen. Oh, I told him to do this. He, you know, I'm like bro, like like no bro. It doesn't work that way. People are not going to be receptive to that and you shouldn't like feel an expectation or have an expectation for that person to receive what you're giving them in every single moment. Like who are you? You're not God. Like, oh, I'm God. So I say you should do this, you should do that. Oh, you didn't do it. Man, like bro, like no. I said, and I think that goes into great friendships in terms of serving. It's like if you're in a great friendship, serve one another. And that could be like moments that are spaced apart once a year.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It could be like hey, happy birthday bro. Hey, happy birthday Right Like you, good, checking in Blah, blah blah. Like every friendship is built different, but I think great friendships are ones of service as well as relationships and intimate relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think sometimes for some people, like the best way that you can serve them is just letting them do it. Yeah, letting like the the best way that you can serve them is just letting them do it yeah, letting them do them, letting them just be and you just being a support for them whenever whenever they fall yeah or whatever might happen. That is important, oh man.
Speaker 1:I've been there, like I think a lot of people that I'm super close with is that's how I am with them, like I like you fall, I'm, I'm there, my hand is there to pick you up, literally but I won't force you to do something that you're not ready to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think people are more receptive when they see you there, ready to pick them up, right. Prime example, even when it comes to like clients, I had a client that she was doing a dye working out and completely just fell off the rockers and all I said like oh cool, yeah, all right. And all I say like oh cool, yeah, all right, we can just let's reset, we're gonna get started back tomorrow. She's like what she thought I was gonna literally like completely go off on her, but no, I said we've been here before and we can get back to where we need to go easy. And I think sometimes people just need that compassion, um, and that that feel that someone is patient enough with them, because I guarantee you, the person that serves the best is the patient most patient person yeah, it's difficult time because I could the serving is.
Speaker 1:It's difficult, but I know, I know you're gonna say something or you know, oh you weren't all right so um last question what do you think your superpower is?
Speaker 2:what do I think my superpower is? I feel like I have many okay you're just a jack of all trades. Master of a jack of all trades, master of everything, just kidding. Um, I think my superpower is being able to, um, make people feel seen, um, I am someone that could literally sit and listen to someone talk all day long, and sometimes for people, that's just what they need. Literally sit and listen to someone talk all day long, and sometimes for people that's just what they need Someone to just listen to them. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:It's like I was doomed for this. You should get paid for that Right Literally just to sit here and listen.
Speaker 2:But I think that is my superpower is just being able to hear people and see people.
Speaker 1:Hear people and see people. Yeah, that's deep.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, um questions. Do you have any questions? This is our opportunity to go back and forth. You got questions for the pod, or questions for me, or a Renee Cause she's a. The best Is that you or your shirt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have that same question.
Speaker 1:Holy smokes, that was my question uh, do you have any questions for the pot?
Speaker 2:um me or a renee I did have a question for you okay I should have wrote it down just cool.
Speaker 1:I have a another question though. Okay, like four minutes, all right, so last question, um, all right, so last question.
Speaker 2:This is a tough one. I think we kind of answer this this is best lesson that I've learned. I think the best lesson that I've learned is just going out there and just being me. Just being me in the areas that I serve. Being authentic is probably the best thing that you could have ever done for a person. As you're serving them. It's just showing who you are authentically. So, with me doing what I do with my college girls and just serving them in that aspect and just being me and not being a coach.
Speaker 2:That's like dogging them down for not showing up at the gym or dogging them for not eating properly. Just being me because I have my downfalls, and that just makes them want to come back more yeah, okay good.
Speaker 1:Do you have any final questions for us?
Speaker 3:no, I love her oh. I love you too, thank you all right, uh, oh, my god. I mean, you know, I love you.
Speaker 1:Dr Gray, god me bro. So where can our listeners find you?
Speaker 2:You can find me on Instagram. My Instagram handle is Chrissy with three S's C-H-R-I-S-S-S-Y dot A-P.
Speaker 1:Okay, instagram Guys, find her. Chrissy is awesome. She has a lot of stuff going on. She's a server, so let me wrap this up, guys. If you have any questions, please dm us on tiktok or youtube. We're not doing instagram right now, so just dm us um any questions. We can just answer those on a pod for our next episode. If you have any questions for chrissy, please find her on instagram. Uh, yeah, stay, stay ready, stay prepared, stay present. Hey Renee, you have anything you want to say before we bounce out?
Speaker 3:Good bad gray on TikTok. While he's saying, follow it's at good bad gray on TikTok.
Speaker 1:We're dropping more clips. We'll have clips from this episode, obviously good ones. Follow us, share, like and subscribe. That's YouTube, said it backwards. Guys, we're awesome, thank you and we're out.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me.
